Adam’s Apple: Political Donor Class Wonders What They Keep All These Poor People Around For Anyways

By: Adam Strømme

Gathered around a dimly-lit board room table festooned with policy papers and bottles of scotch, the leaders of America’s donor class wondered aloud what they are keeping around all these poor people for anyways.

“I mean, what do they really do?” asked Tim Phillips, head of the Koch-backed Americans for Prosperity. “Just sit around not making money?”

The plutocrats had gathered for a multi-day conference to decide the acceptable range of political discourse in the United States. After intense rounds of litigation finishing in the early morning, the delegates had grown more philosophical about what drove their since unquestioned generosity.

“I think its a shame they are poor” chimed in Grover Norquist, head of the anti-tax Americans for Tax Reform. “It must be the government taking all of their money”. Mr. Norquist famously opposes all tax increases, and advocates a radical reduction in the size of all governmental assistance programs.

Although other attendees disagreed about the exact reason for the cause of poor people, a general atmosphere of confusion arose when questions turned toward the reason for the continued existence of the poor.

“We all know that poor people are only poor because they don’t work enough” belted out Damion Frasier, a portly advisor representing the Senate Leadership Fund, to the increasingly nervous representatives. “So maybe if we pay them less, and give them less, they’ll work harder and stop being poor.”

As the conversation wore on into the morning, others tried to argue a different approach, albeit with less success.

“We need them” began Samantha Howard of Heritage Action, referring to the poor, “You know, for the other things we don’t want to do”.

“They do all the other things” she concluded unconvincingly.

At press time the exact reason for the continued existence of the poor eluded the attended audience, though the assembled titans of industry concluded that if the situation didn’t shape up soon they would simply have to take their business elsewhere.

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Image Courtesy of John Haslam and Wikimedia Commons