Propped up just outside the sunny White House lawn and in the presence of a slew of reporters, an automated teller machine has announced its desire to run in the upcoming 2016 elections.
“I have the advantage of being able to run a truly independent campaign” the machine recited. “And I believe that I have the necessary assets in order to be a competitive candidate in this upcoming election” it concluded, before producing a flurry of $100 bills.
The announcement comes following years of public intrigue with the impact of deregulation on campaign financing. While some maintain its necessity as bound up in the right to free speech protected under the 1st amendment, others have expressed concerns of money’s disproportionate influence in the American electoral process.
“The time for money to leave the political process for good is long overdue,” said Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren, “and I just can’t see that coming any time soon with candidates like Mr. Teller entering the race” she concluded. Many members of the Democratic party, currently the minority in both chambers of congress, have taken a strong stance against the rise of Super PACS in electoral politics.
Others in the current administration have had a more constructive stance regarding the recent developments, citing the ATM’s entrance to the race as providing a step forward in campaign simplicity and transparency.
“I have recently been quoted as “giving up” on attempting to stop campaign abuses in 2016 in favor of focusing on transparency” said FEC chairwoman Anne Ravel. “But with the arrival of Mr. Teller to the race, I am confident that the Federal Elections Committee will be able to manage its responsibilities satisfactorily.”
“After all, at least we know where the money is coming from this time” she added.
Amongst Republicans, the machine’s campaign has been cited by sources close to multiple contenders as being an existential threat.
“We just don’t know where its allegiances lie” commented an anonymous aide working for Pledge to the People, the group supporting former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee’s campaign. “With an independent financial base, we are worried that the machine might try to do something; and we aren’t about doing things here in Washington.”
At the time of this press release, the ATM could be found attempting to converse openly with voters.
“I don’t want to appear stiff or mechanical” it bleeped simply.
“After all, who am I, Hillary Clinton?”